Welcome, Guest
Pewter Report  >>  Boards  >>  Pirate's Cove (Moderators: 3rd String Kicker, PRPatrol)  >>  Topic: Today's Real belly laughs « previous next »
Page: 1 2

Uncle Stan

*
Hall of Famer
******
Posts : 17438
Offline
: August 20, 2013, 05:14:29 PM

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

***********

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said.

"Come on, what day was I born"?

I said, "Yesterday."

***********

I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

***********

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "

***********



When you are over sixty who cares

Learn to disagree without being disagreeable-Ronald Reagan circa 1981

DejaVu

User is banned from postingMuted
****
Starter

Posts : 884
Offline
#1 : August 21, 2013, 09:12:42 AM

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

***********
***********

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "

***********

Loved these two!   Good stuff Stan!

Fran Tarkenton, Hall of Fame QB said. \\\"Ive watched Freeman a lot. He just plays God-awful. Thats who you are. Its just a player being able to play or not play. Josh Freeman has proven to me that he cant play.\\\"

John Galt?

*
Hall of Famer
******
Posts : 18831
Offline
#2 : August 21, 2013, 03:22:55 PM

At the Scottish  wedding  reception, the D.J. yelled...
"Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made   your life worth living."
The bartender was almost crushed to death


*********************************************************************


Poor Lance Armstrong -
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, while on drugs.
When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my frign bike.



**********************************************************************

Doctor asks pregnant prostitute,
"Do you know who the father is?"   
"For goodness sake,   if you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you fart?"


**********************************************************************


Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .

The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar,
You have passed all the tests, except one.
It is a simple test of your English language skills.
Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'

The manager said,
'You must make a sentence using the words
Yellow, Pink, and Green .'

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said,
'Mister manager, I am ready.'

The manager said, 'Go ahead.'

Mujibar said,
'The telephone goes green, green,
And I pink it up, and say,
Yellow, this is Mujibar.'

Mujibar now works at a tech support call center.



gone

*
Hall of Famer
******
Posts : 9244
Offline
#3 : September 14, 2013, 06:46:38 PM

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.

Doctor: "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."

Mr. Smith: "What do you mean?"

Doctor: "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer disease and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife."

Mr. Smith: "That's terrible! Can we do the test over?"

Doctor: "Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."

Mr. Smith: "Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

Doctor: "Well i recommend that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way back home again, don't **CENSORED** her."


JohnT

****
Starter

Posts : 372
Offline
#4 : September 15, 2013, 12:07:06 AM

Q. Did you hear about the new magazine for married men published by Playboy?

A. It has the same pictures month after month after month after month after month....

JohnT

****
Starter

Posts : 372
Offline
#5 : September 15, 2013, 12:09:30 AM

There was an old man named Bozo, and all he had was a female donkey. One day he wins the lottery and gets $50,000. He doesn't know what to do with his money, so he decides to spend a night in a five star hotel. He asks for the finest room and starts going up the stairs with his female donkey. The manager sees him and asks where he's going with his donkey.
 "Anywhere I go, she goes."
 "I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you can't take the donkey upstairs. Leave it down here with us and we'll take good care of her." So Bozo goes up to his room and opens the door. Everything is made of gold, there is a table full of food, and a huge television. He doesn't want to ruin anything so he takes his raggedy coat off and sleeps on the floor. The next morning the manager comes up to the room and asks how his night was.
 ''Great!'' replied Bozo. ''How much do I have to pay?'' he asks.
 ''One thousand dollars for the food.''
 ''But I haven't touched the food."
 ''It was right there, so you should have. Two thousand dollars for the TV."
 ''But I didn't even know how to turn the damn thing on!''
 ''It was there, so you should have. Five thousand for sleeping on the bed."
 ''But I slept on the floor!''
 ''It was there. Your total is eight thousand dollars."
 ''You owe me ten thousand dollars for screwing my donkey.''
 ''But sir, I didn't screw your donkey.''
 ''It was there. You should have!''

JohnT

****
Starter

Posts : 372
Offline
#6 : September 15, 2013, 12:53:34 AM

Here come some jokes from old Bazooka Joe bubble gum wrappers.



What did Zero say to number Eight?


"Nice belt."
: September 15, 2013, 01:17:44 AM JohnT

JohnT

****
Starter

Posts : 372
Offline
#7 : September 15, 2013, 12:54:13 AM

What did O say to Q?

Hey, put that thing back into your trousers.

JohnT

****
Starter

Posts : 372
Offline
#8 : September 15, 2013, 12:54:51 AM

What's white and can't climb trees?

A fridge.

JohnT

****
Starter

Posts : 372
Offline
#9 : September 15, 2013, 12:56:29 AM

What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.

JohnT

****
Starter

Posts : 372
Offline
#10 : September 15, 2013, 12:56:46 AM

What's green and when you get it stuck between your teeth, you die?

A tractor.

JohnT

****
Starter

Posts : 372
Offline
#11 : September 15, 2013, 12:57:15 AM

2 whales walk into a bar.

First whale says: ooooEEEEEEEEaaaayyyyyuuuuuuaaaaaa eeeeooOOOOYAIIIAIIIEYOOOooooooo

Second whale says: Shut up Steve, you're drunk

JohnT

****
Starter

Posts : 372
Offline
#12 : September 15, 2013, 12:59:41 AM

Person 1: hey, did you ever blow bubbles when you were younger?

Person 2: Yeah, all the time.

Person 1: Well he's back in town and wants your new number.

JohnT

****
Starter

Posts : 372
Offline
#13 : September 15, 2013, 01:00:32 AM

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey, we've got a drink named after you." Grasshopper says "You've got a drink named Steve?"

JohnT

****
Starter

Posts : 372
Offline
#14 : September 15, 2013, 01:04:40 AM

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

Fo' drizzle.
Page: 1 2
Pewter Report  >>  Boards  >>  Pirate's Cove (Moderators: 3rd String Kicker, PRPatrol)  >>  Topic: Today's Real belly laughs « previous next »
:

Hide Tools Show Tools