Sex, Marriage, Monogamy and Jealousy

[ufojoe]

I certainly agree with your comments about divorce rates which is why I think getting married should be more difficult to get into and easy to get out of.

My ex-wife would probably agree with that. She wanted the divorce and I didn't fight. Not much I
could do. Florida makes it simple to get divorced with no kids and no property disputes. My ex
has apologized a couple of times to me lately. Oh well. I was divorced in 2000.

I wonder why marriage is a "minefield"?  Could it just be that each party has been dishonest from the beginning??

I was just going by the divorce rates. Minefield may not have been the right word.

So is this a don't ask don't tell approach to fidelity?  or is it " Hey Hon I am going out tonight to see if I can get lucky.  I'll let you know the details later!"??

No, from what little I know about Polyamory or open relationships, it's full on honesty.
If you really want to know how couples pull it off, there are several books out there
that are supposed to be good. I have one right now. "The Ethical Slut."

Whether you are married or not, I just believe a certain fundamental trust is needed, and infidelity no matter what anyone states honestly or not is the road to the end of that relationship.

I don't agree. I agree that it's a massive challenge to pull off that type of lifestyle but people
have done it and are doing it. I feel that dishonesty, no matter what the subject, is the
road to the end.

[Runole]

No, from what little I know about Polyamory or open relationships, it's full on honesty.
If you really want to know how couples pull it off, there are several books out there
that are supposed to be good. I have one right now. "The Ethical Slut."

I am sure there are couples capable of pulling it off. Just like there are many alternative life styles that can work.
I have known couples that have tried such things but in the end despite everything they end up going their separate ways married or not.

don't agree. I agree that it's a massive challenge to pull off that type of lifestyle but people
have done it and are doing it. I feel that dishonesty, no matter what the subject, is the
road to the end.


I agree that dishonesty certainly can be the ender but most certainly honesty can be the ender as well.


For instance when someone confesses an indiscretion what are they really doing it for?

JMHO but it is basically stating "Hey I messed up NOW YOU DEAL WITH IT!"    Just a different perspective on "honesty"...


Again my opinion but I feel that too many that are married should never have been married in the first place. 

[ufojoe]

Probably right. From the little I know of polyamory, it takes a total deprogramming of what
we've taught about relationships. They theory is, if something is making your spouse
happy, wouldn't you want it for them? Theory.

[DBrooksIsMyDaddy]

Joe, you know that safe sex is not nearly 100 percent effective against disease transmission.  And very few people practice safe sex in sexual situations involving, um, things other than intercourse. 

Being single and playing the field is your choice, your risk--I was addressing your comment talking about married people who let their spouse have sex with others to make him/her "happy."

[Runole]

Probably right. From the little I know of polyamory, it takes a total deprogramming of what
we've taught about relationships. They theory is, if something is making your spouse
happy, wouldn't you want it for them? Theory.

Certainly that theory would seem most logical, but somehow in my limited experience the opposite sex though they might say otherwise would end up proving that theory wrong.

By the same token personally I don't think I could handle the idea of my significant other stepping out on a regular basis.


I just don't believe most woman and men think alike on such issues.

[MrFreakinMiyagi]

Probably right. From the little I know of polyamory, it takes a total deprogramming of what
we've taught about relationships. They theory is, if something is making your spouse
happy, wouldn't you want it for them? Theory.

I just don't believe most woman and men think alike on such issues.

I have a hard time thinking like a woman on any issues.

[ufojoe]

Probably right. From the little I know of polyamory, it takes a total deprogramming of what
we've taught about relationships. They theory is, if something is making your spouse
happy, wouldn't you want it for them? Theory.

Yeah, I'll risk contracting a lethal STD so my spouse can be "happy."

I guess if I'm ever single and playing the field, I should just avoid sex because
I might contract an STD. Or...I could practice safe sex.

Is the lifestyle of Polyamory dangerous? If you have a lot of partners, you
obviously increase your risk of catching something. But in many Polyamorous
(not sure if that is a word) relationships, there are only one or two others.

[Runole]

Probably right. From the little I know of polyamory, it takes a total deprogramming of what
we've taught about relationships. They theory is, if something is making your spouse
happy, wouldn't you want it for them? Theory.

I just don't believe most woman and men think alike on such issues.

I have a hard time thinking like a woman on any issues.

Nor do I , And that pretty much sums up the problem with the "open marriage or relationship"  theory.

[ufojoe]

Certainly that theory would seem most logical, but somehow in my limited experience the
opposite sex though they might say otherwise would end up proving that theory wrong.

By the same token personally I don't think I could handle the idea of my significant other
stepping out on a regular basis.


I just don't believe most woman and men think alike on such issues.

You're right. It's a minority who can pull it off. Some women are the ones
who push for it. Monogamy just doesn't work for some people.

[DBrooksIsMyDaddy]

Probably right. From the little I know of polyamory, it takes a total deprogramming of what
we've taught about relationships. They theory is, if something is making your spouse
happy, wouldn't you want it for them? Theory.

Yeah, I'll risk contracting a lethal STD so my spouse can be "happy."

[Runole]

Probably right. From the little I know of polyamory, it takes a total deprogramming of what
we've taught about relationships. They theory is, if something is making your spouse
happy, wouldn't you want it for them? Theory.

Yeah, I'll risk contracting a lethal STD so my spouse can be "happy."



Good point!  and yet another reason for fidelity in marriage.

[Runole]

While STD's are indeed a problem with the overly promiscuous, personally I think the whole disease transmission thing is a bit overstated when involved with heterosexual contact.  Has there ever been a case of a Lesbian ever getting aids? Now those that are habitually promiscuous with many partners are opening up risk factors.


Back to point Brooks I most certainly agree with the point you are making which most certainly is a valid concern for a union that is should be based on fidelity. IMO

[ufojoe]

Joe, you know that safe sex is not nearly 100 percent effective against disease transmission.  And very few people practice safe sex in sexual situations involving, um, things other than intercourse.

That fact that some people don't practice safe sex is their problem. And I agree with Runole that it's an
overstated problem.

For people who want to practice monogamy in their relationships, good for them. I'm part of that
group. And for the others? Their lifestyle is what they choose it to be. It's not a question of
should or shouldn't. It's an individual choice.

People think monogamy is the right way because that's how we were brought up and how most
of society lives.

[DBrooksIsMyDaddy]

The reason most of society is monogamous is because it's good for children to have two parents, and to know who their fathers are.

[ufojoe]

The reason most of society is monogamous is because it's good for children to have two parents, and to know who their fathers are.

Children still have two parents in Polyamory and the kids still know who they are.

The reason many in society are monogamous is because it's the "normal" thing to do
and that is how we are brought up.

But if you are right DBrooks, then are you saying that people with no kids are fine
with Polyamory?