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: June 11, 2007, 03:08:57 PM

Just for everyone's general edification.


Q. Why would I want to replace my incandescent light bulbs with compact fluorescent light bulbs?

A. A CFL uses only one-fifth to one-fourth the energy of an incandescent bulb which saves money and reduces greenhouse gas emissions. Also, CFLs last up to fifteen times as long as incandescent bulbs.
It will light your house with its dark power.
Q. How is it that CFLs use less energy than regular incandescent light bulbs?

A. A CFL turns electricity much more efficiently into light than an incandescent bulb which wastes 90% of the electricity in consumes in the form of heat. Also, instead of drawing all its power from electricity, a CFL also draws some of its power from Satan (check the packaging of the bulb for the specific percentage).

Q. Is it true that a CFL will dim over time?

A. CFLs may dim before reaching the end of their lifespan. Also, repeated exposure to the effects of a CFL will eventually erodes one's soul, causing everything to look dimmer despite no change in actual light output.

Q. Are there special environmental concerns in disposing of CFLs?

A. Since CFLs contain mercury, special disposal procedures should be followed. Also, if a CFL breaks, a certain amount of evil will be released into the world. Remains should not be handled until the area is cleaned by the EPA and exorsized by a priest.

Q. Is the light from a CFL the same as that of an incandescent bulb?

A. A CFL emits light on a different wavelength than an incandescent bulb. While the light is similar, some describe it as slightly "unnatural" or "evil." All the effects of the wavelength haven't been fully classified, and some say that if you stare directly into the bulb, you'll get glimpses of another dimension filled with beings of unimaginable horror and that to fully realize them would cause madness. Thus, staring at a CFL is not recommended.

Q. Can the light from a CFL cause seizures?

A. There is evidence of increased seizure risk, but it should be noted that CFLs thrive on human suffering and watching you fall into a epileptic fit will increase the CFL's efficacy.

Q. Ever since installing CFLs in my home, I've felt cold even though the thermostat notes no difference in temperature. Why is that?

A. Since CFLs waste less energy as heat, the area directly around a CFL may not feel as warm as you may have been acquainted to. Also, most theologians agree that God will not dwell where the light of a CFL shines. This separation from the love of the Almighty is often described as a vague feeling of "coldness." Intense depression may follow.

Q. After using CFLs, I tend to have horrible dreams. I can't remember what happens in them, but I wake up in a cold sweat and have an odd sense of dread for the rest of the day. I've begun to fear sleeping. Is this normal?

A. Yes.

Q. I think I heard voices coming from my CFL urging me to kill my family. Have I gone insane?

A. No. Sometimes demons will use a CFL as a way to open a path of communication between their dark dimension and our own. Since they prey on man when he is weak, make sure to stay away from all CFLs if you're feeling particularly mentally vulnerable.

Q. I have this feeling that my prayers are ineffective when a CFL is shining on me. Why is that?

A. While some say its blasphemous to put a limit to God's power, many still believe that the wavelength emitted by a CFL effectively corrupts one's prayers and keeps God from hearing them. It is recommended you turn off all CFLs in your household before trying to communicate with a benevolent higher power. It should be noted, though, that your prayers will most likely be in vain since purchasing a CFL may be viewed as a tacit agreement with Satan.

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Pewter Report  >>  Boards  >>  Pirate's Cove (Moderators: 3rd String Kicker, PRPatrol)  >>  Topic: Compact Fluorescent Light Bulbs FAQ « previous next »

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