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Update: John Kerry, Valerie Jarrett, John Brennan, and obama all confirm that none of their DIRECT RELATIVES or friends were injured during this heinous attack.

And thankfully none of Chron’s cousins were seriously hurt in the big fight with six people at the beer cooler at at the Possum Hollow Quicky Mart. All six of the combatants were his cousins. The elder cousin was quoted as saying “Mf dam fgt broke my gdmf spal shiiiiii.”