Congratulations!!! By merit of your physical abilities and practiced application of game skills, you have been granted the ultimate job…to play the game of football for millions of dollars in front of tens of thousands of adoring fans.
You lucky dogs!!!
Now that you’ve been drafted, I’d like to give you a few tips on how to set yourself up to have a highly successful NFL career:
1. Sign your contract ASAP, no matter what your agent tells you. The little bit of extra green you get for being a stubborn jackass is more than offset by the fact that your coaches, teammates, and fan base now think of you as a stubborn jackass. Get your lucky ass into camp, grab a playbook, and start learning how to earn your handsome paychecks.
2. Get to the practice facility early and stay there late. Nothing impresses a head coach more than a player who is always in there when they arrive in the morning. Almost every time a coach is interviewed about a star player, you hear him talking with respect about how that guy is “always there when I get there at 5 AM.” You want to be that guy.
3. No matter how strong you may think you are, start working now on getting stronger. The pump-and-flex you did at good ol’ Thontossassa Community College won’t cut it in The League. Hit the weights and then hit them harder. When you feel like you can’t lift anymore, hit them again.
4. No matter how fast you may think you are, start working now on getting faster. About 90% of you are going to feel like you’re in slow motion the first few weeks of camp. This is the NFL and that’s just how it is. Get a good speed coach in between camps and learn how to fly.
5. Be humble. Your job is to score touchdowns or prevent that from happening. Our job, as fans, is to celebrate what you do.
6. Lastly, and this is the most important tip of all. Never take your fans for granted. Always remember that it’s our ticket and merchandise dollars that pay for your mansions, your fancy cars, and your nights on the town drinking fine wines and liqours. Whatever you do, don’t piss us off.