Bestest Draft Plan: An All Swag Draft

Lord Jameis Christ · 2014-02-03T18:53:09Z

Richard Sherman has the markings of a swagganeer, but his master's degree really hurt him in being an all out swag-master. I mean come on. Has he ever even been arrested? Nerd. This draft focuses on what's really important in the game of football: injecting this team with SWAG!!! Round One Pick Seven Johnny Manziel Johnny Manziel is probably the most swagtastic player since RG3. He even has an acronym that doesn't even match his initials. How swaggerrific is that? Johnny Freakin Football. Did Johnny or the media come up with this? Who knows and who cares? Johnny doesn't even need a last name at this point. He will on his jersey Manziel, sorry, JFF is everything you need in a quarterback. He can throw. He can run. He can throw. He looks goofy like Peyton Manning (that didn't help in the Super Bowl). And he can even throw! JFF matches the frat boy persona to the max. He comes from a rich family. He gets invited to pool parties by nerd cheerleaders. The best kind Speaking of parties, JFF doesn't believe in not being able to attend them. Even if a party is being held by your arch rival's fraternity, they should let you in. I mean. You're JFF, right? Frat parties epitomize swagology. Besides, it's not like football fans are hateful and unreasonable, right Philadelphia? Ho ho ho! Mer-- HELP ME! Round Two Pick Six Carlos Hyde I know what some of you are thinking. Another running back? And you're right. Tampa Bay is stacked at running back, but do any of those players have swag? Doug Martin is known as the Muscle Hamster for Pauly D's sake! Does he even lift? As a matter of fact, I do. Now I know what some of my more thuggish swag-migos are thinking. Hyde? That sounds like that nerdy book I Sparknoted in grade school. Dr. Freckle and Mr. Hyde? I don't want that! I failed the vocabulary test! You're trying to trick us into reading books! Go drown in hair gel, Lord Revis! Yes. They make this. Yes. You are a duush-baig if you use it. Swag on my bros. Swag-pals do not fret. Hyde is perfectly capable of providing this team the necessary character concerns that would make even the biggest jerk raise his chin in approval. (Seriously what is that gesture). You see, Hyde moonlights as a UFC fighter. Maybe I'm exaggerating. Striking women outside of local bars doesn't qualify for UFC fighting, but it sure does exemplify what we need in a man who doesn't take ish from anyone. Not even girls. Of course, the charges were dropped because who in their right mind would try to jail a local player when their rights have been infringed upon? Maybe a Steubenville assault victim? Round Three Pick Five Darrelle Revis Swag Lessons This pick was traded to the Jets for Revis. A real stand up guy. The Bucs can spend their time in the war room to find Revis a snap back, some Axe body spray and a few pounds of drugs. That'll teach that choirboy. Can't I just keep doing charity work? Round Four Pick Four Jeremy Hill Now I KNOW what you're thinking. "We just picked a running back!" Well you're wrong. We just picked up some free time to help our known choirboy Revis. Our fourth round pick is going to pure unadulterated swagnificence. Hill has shown excellent skills in battery, violating probation and being selfish in general. Some of you may say, "Hill is sorry! He got better!" And Hill would agree with you, stating, "The biggest lesson I've learned this is all bigger than me, this program, I can't make selfish decisions. I have to continue to learn from it." You're right ladies and gents. Hill is sorry. But we can fix that. We can let Hill know that swag is more important than conducting yourself as a respectful human being. It's okay to hit people and display the utmost arrogance and conceit at every turn. Les Miles may have taken the hood out of this young man, but we can put it right back in him with 5 L of heavily scented cologne. I think I learned a valuable lesson and- SHUT UP HILL! YOU GOT SOME BARFIGHTS TO PARTAKE IN! Round Five Pick Three Seantrel Henderson "Finally!", you say. "Some offensive linemen!" I appreciate your enthusiasm, but that's not why we're here. Henderson acquired the honor of becoming the rare offensive linemen to be considered the best prep player in the country, squandering that talent and getting suspended not one! Not two! But three times! It takes a special kind of idiot (swagganeer) to get caught with marijuana multiple times and to still believe you are above the law and won't get caught. Well. Not get caught again. The Honey Badger would be proud. YOLO! Round Six Pick Three Max Bullough "Alright Lord Revis! You're drafting well again! Props man!" Look kiddos. We're obtaining liquid swag in human form as much as humanly possible with our draft picks. This guy is a wild card. He was suspended for reasons that no one will even talk about. Talk about mysterious. Some speculate it's a sex crime (swagtastic!) or PEDs (steroids are the lifeblood of a swag-bro). The suspension took place on a Christmas game, so the ...

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Cabin Boy Guest

I think you may have a bit too much free time on your hands. waaaaaay too much. Wtf?? "38,011 posts" Yeah okay, Hater x) Over a decade worth.....and not a single one of them as non-sensical at this one

Well, I think you have a bit too much free time on your hands. Waaaaay too much. Wtf??

Posted : Feb. 4, 2014 12:09 am

Anonymous (@Anonymous) Posts: 0 Cabin Boy Guest Oklahoma? xD! Close! Alabama. It's basically Mississippi with NASA. Praise Buddha I live in arguably the most advanced city and clean city in the south (outside of Florida. We're talking "dixie land") :( Wait a sec. You in Huntsville too? Yes! Do you own a green truck with a faded Bucs flag on in a nice neighborhood off of 72? Like we're almost Gurley/New Market but still Huntsville somehow? No trucks here, but I DO live in one of the subdivisions between 72 and Winchester. Posted : Feb. 4, 2014 12:45 am Anonymous (@Anonymous) Posts: 0 Cabin Boy Guest Oklahoma? xD! Close! Alabama. It's basically Mississippi with NASA. Praise Buddha I live in arguably the most advanced city and clean city in the south (outside of Florida. We're talking "dixie land") :( Wait a sec. You in Huntsville too? Yes! Do you own a green truck with a faded Bucs flag on in a nice neighborhood off of 72? Like we're almost Gurley/New Market but still Huntsville somehow? No trucks here, but I DO live in one of the subdivisions between 72 and Winchester. There are (at least) 3 Buc fans up here then, haha. That's pretty awesome. PM me, maybe we can knock on this dude's door and let him know he's not alone. That the playoffs aren't THAT far away. Posted : Feb. 4, 2014 12:49 am

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Bestest Draft Plan: An All Swag Draft

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