Trailer park of sadness: Florida power rankings by Matt Verderame 6h ago Florida sports are really, really sad.
TAMPA, FL - DECEMBER 28: Tampa Bay Buccaneers fans are looking forward to the first round draft pick for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers in their game against the New Orleans Saints at Raymond James Stadium on December 28, 2014 in Tampa, Florida. (Photo by Cliff McBride/Getty Images) There’s a book that circulates the tourist trap bodegas down in Florida titled Weird Florida. It’s a compilation of all the bizarre roadside treasures one can find while traversing a state that is truly weird. Florida is America’s phallus. It’s the big gun dangling down into the Caribbean, a beacon for transplants. Heaven’s waiting room.Of all this absurdities that flow from Florida (think: Florida Man Twitter handle), perhaps the biggest one is the disparity in success between the state’s college programs and its professional ranks.Florida, Florida State and Miami are three of the most decorated schools across the sporting spectrum. From football to basketball to softball, baseball, gymnastics and swimming these schools boast some of the nation’s top squads.As for the professional ranks … not so much. While seemingly a desirable place to play (warm weather, golf courses galore and no state income tax!), the state’s professional teams have found punctuated success at best. Strong runs are quickly snuffed out, as teams are more likely to find themselves at the bottom of the standings rather than as part of a dynasty.With that in mind, two of FanSided’s editors, Jonathan Bass and Matt Verderame have decided to take on the schadenfreude-fueled task of power ranking the Sunshine State’s trailer park of sadness. What makes these two experts? Well, Bass grew up in Central Florida and soaked in the misery firsthand. Verderame is an angry New Yorker who hates everyone and everything … meaning he’s about 30 years away from setting up a residency down in Deerfield Beach.Should you have any problems with this article, please direct all mean tweets and hate mail their way. If you’re a FanSided editor who takes exception, please do not quit your job like our former aggrieved Florida Panthers editor (RIP S. Mullin) but rather write a rebuttal piece to kick the debate forward.With that said, let’s power rank Florida’s professional ranks – all opinions are rooted in fact (mostly).
10. Florida PanthersThe Panthers actually looked like they were going to be a respectable franchise at first. In 1996, just their fourth year of existence, they made the Stanley Cup Final. Since then? Exactly zero playoff series wins since and only four combined playoff wins in three series. Florida also lacks any fans, as shown by their attendance record this year. Through the first two months of the season, the team has hovered around a playoff spot and is averaging 76 percent capacity, only better than the Carolina Hurricanes.The Panthers have traditionally been that team that everybody forgets exists. Florida has enjoyed the talents of Pavel Bure and John Vanbiesbrouck, but it has been tough sledding otherwise. You know the team is in rough shape when the list of its best all-time players include the stylings of Ed Jovanowski, Ray Whitney, Scott Mellanby and Rob Niedermayer. All of them are nice players, but not exactly breaking down the wall to the Hockey Hall of Fame.It’s incredible that this team still exists in something called Sunrise. It’s a suburb of a city that does not care about sports in the slightest. Maybe this franchise was not the best idea the National Hockey League has ever had.
9. Jacksonville JaguarsWhat can you say about the Jacksonville Jaguars? How about 3-13, 4-12, 2-14, 5-11, 8-8. When your best record over the past half-decade is .500 then Jacksonville, we have a problem.What’s wild about the Jags is that they came out of the gates strong as an ox, making the playoffs in their second, third and fourth years of existence. Heck, in 1996 they even made it within an eyelash of the Super Bowl before falling to the New England Patriots, 20-6, in the AFC Conference Championship game.Ever since the turn of the century, though, the Jags have basically been an eyesore. DUVAAAAAAAL apologists will point to the Maurice Jones-Drew, Byron Leftwich/David Gerrard years as glorious. And really, that’s a them problem.The Jags and their fans are the sports personification of Stockholm Syndrome. You won’t find a more blindly passionate group who will go to the mattresses for their painfully bad team. Come down on the Jags and you’ll hear the constant refrain of “I trust Gus. I trust Caldwell. Shad is a good owner.”Peek behind the veil and you’ll see a team that plays only seven home games in North Florida, with one yearly contest in Jolly Ol’ England. Yeah, the team isn’t going to go anywhere, but that’s more because cost of living is cheap, the stadium is an easy upgrade and Khan likes seeing his boat in the harbor and knowing it’s probably the nicest cruiser this side of Mayport.Jags fans will bemoan this ranking, but that’s the DUVAAAAAL way. It’s a city with a perpetual inferiority complex. It’s not Miami or Orlando or Tampa or St. Augustine or Ponte Vedra. But hey, did you know that Jax is the biggest city in ‘Merica? Cool story, bro, tell it again.
8. Jacksonville SharksThe Jacksonville Sharks are everything a city could want out of a professional sports organization. From their inception in 2010, the Sharks have taken the AFL by storm. Really, the only thing holding them down on this list is their youth.In the Sharks’ first season the team was third in attendance and set an expansion record with a 12-4 mark. They made the playoffs that year, but would fall just short of an ArenaBowl. Undeterred, in their next season the Sharks won the whole dang thing. Arena Bowl XXIV: Sharks 73, Arizona Rattlers 70. Jacksonville just missed out on a second world title this past year, falling in ArenaBowl XXVIII to the San Jose Sabrecats, 68-47.If only Jacksonville had another professional franchise that mirrored the Sharks’ success. From great coaching to savvy personnel moves, the team has really buoyed the community. Unconfirmed rumors have it that the AFL and NFL have considered moving Arena League games to the fall just so as to stimulate a little action on the gridiron. Lord only knows that the Jacksonville winters are cold enough without even having the chance to eye a championship product.Keep an eye on the Sharks. A few more years like this and they’ll be shooting up the rankings.
7. Tampa Bay RaysThe Rays have actually had some decent seasons, including a World Series appearance in the 2008 season. Unfortunately, the franchise has seen far too many down moments to be ranked much higher than this, even in this sad of a power ranking. Tampa Bay has never been able to raw fans, largely because the stadium is an absolute hole and the team was not good for the better part of its first decade of existence.It has been a long road for the Rays, who lost 99 games in their first season and finished 51 games out of first place. The team never sniffed .500 until the year it reached the World Series under manager Joe Maddon with 97 victories. The prior high in wins had been 70. Yikes.Currently, there are all sorts of rumors that ownership is ready to sell because of the lack of support behind a new stadium. If that happens, look for Tampa Bay to be without a baseball team in short order, as the folks in Montreal are openly pining for a baseball team to replace the Expos. In fairness, only about 38 people will miss the team, judging from the appalling amount of empty seats at every game.
6. Orlando MagicOh Orlando. If Jacksonville is the armpit of the state, and Miami is the hindquarters, then O-Town is the bellybutton filled with lint, Cheetos dust and unfulfilled expectations.The Magic really make you wan to like them. Shaq, Penny, 3D, D-Howard, Hedo, T-Mac, and the list goes on. Yet they can never get over the hump. Really, Orlando runs its franchise a lot like the latest incarnation of the Cleveland Browns. They hire a coach, give him a couple of seasons, get itchy and then move on.Random fact: did you know the Orlando Magic have five Most Improved Player award-winners since the award started up in 1985-86.It’s a shame that Orlando can never seem to get things together. Right now they boast one of the NBA’s most exciting players, Victor Oladipo, yet only the 17 people sitting around the Sunshine Network on a Wednesday night could probably pick him out of a lineup.Orlando has taken its lumps as a whipping boy for the Lakers to pluck star centers away – Shaq, Dwight, whomever comes next.Do you think Doc Rivers and Stan Van Gundy are good coaches? The Magic didn’t; both have been fired from the team in the past 12 years.Here’s everything you need to know about the Orlando Magic. Billy Donovan once accepted the head coaching job, but quickly realized that his job with the Florida Gators (two hours north in Gainesville) was a better position and quickly reneged. He now coaches in Oklahoma City.
5. Tampa Bay BuccaneersIf there was ever a sorry franchise, it is the Buccaneers. Created in 1976 with some kind of winking pirate on the side of the helmet, Tampa Bay’s football team has been doomed form the start. There are all kinds of famous stories about the early days of the Buccaneers, including the weight room of the facility actually being outside at Bucs Park, despite the weather being absolutely brutal.On the field, Tampa Bay was a rancid dumpster fire in a stadium that was better suited for a high school team. The Buccaneers lost their first 26 games to begin the franchise’s existence in the National Football League, including an 0-14 season in 1976. Tampa Bay somehow made it to the NFC Championship game in 1979 and then back to the playoffs in 1981 and 1982 before failing to reach the postseason until 1997 under head coach Tony Dungy.The only reason the Buccaneers are not fighting with the Florida Panthers for last on this list is 2002, when they rose up and won Super Bowl XXXVII over the heavily-favored Oakland Raiders. Without that team, one could easily make an argument that Tampa Bay is the lousiest franchise in all of sports over the last 40 years.
4. Miami MarlinsThe Miami Marlins (formerly Florida Marlins) are the worst MLB franchise to ever win two World Series championships. Hell, they’re the worst franchise to ever win one. They should kiss Bud Selig on the lips for instituting the Wild Card into MLB, else the Marlins would have never sniffed the postseason. That’s correct: Miami has never won the National League East.The team should really change its moniker to the “Seven Year Itch,” because above anything else, that’s what defines this franchise. Win a title, mortgage the entire future, gut the roster, bottom out, get an itch in seven years, buy a title, and repeat the process.Since being owner, Jeff Loria has done everything short of slapping each and every Marlins fan right across the cheek. This past year the Marilins fired manager Mike Redmond barely one month into the season and replaced him with … wait for it … general manager Dan Jennings. Fun fact: Jennings had never managed a baseball team until his train wreck of a tenure with the Marlins. By the way, he’s no longer with the team.The best thing going for the Marlins – other than the Clevelander body-painted cocktail girls inside that spaceship of a ballpark – is that it’s in Miami. Nobody knows they suck because there’s plenty of better things to do in South Beach during the summer.If you’re looking for one concrete sign of the franchise’s futility, think back to a game against the Braves in 2015 where this team, which plays in a park with retractable roof, underwent a rain delay. Think about it …
3. Tampa Bay LightningWe finally reach a franchise based out of Florida that is not a complete and total disgrace. The Lightning entered the National Hockey League in the 1992-93 season and struggled out of the game. In fact, Tampa Bay reached the postseason just once in its first 10 seasons and lost in the quarterfinals to the Philadelphia Flyers in six games.Finally, the Lightning began to act like a professional sports organization in 2002-03 under head coach John Tortorella, making the playoffs and advancing a round for the first time. The following spring, the Lightning took down the Flyers in the Eastern Conference Final before dispatching the Calgary Flames in a memorable seven-game Stanley Cup Final.Behind Martin St. Louis and Vincent LeCavalier, Tampa Bay would remain a threat for the next several years. In 2014-15, the Lightning made another run behind their high-powered offense and reached another Stanley Cup Final, this time falling to the Chicago Blackhawks in six games. Tampa Bay is young and talented, so good hockey should stay in town for a while.Unlike the Panthers, the Lightning actually have fans and a quality stadium. It is nice to see hockey (and for that matter, any sports team) doing well in Florida.
2. Miami HeatThe Heat are a quintessential Florida team. When they’re terrible, nobody shows up. When they’re good, some people show up. When they’re great, the building is flooded … only fans aren’t really sure of players’ names. And if that great team is losing, well, the fans make sure to leave the arena quicker than hell.Miami is a city not unlike Los Angeles, in that it’s all about hotspots. It’s a place to see and be seen. When the Heat are hot (pun moderately intended) there’s no better ticket in town. Get courtside seats, wear white and cheer on whatever juggernaut Pat Riley has assembled. If the Heat suck then, well, who wants to attach themself to a loser? That stench is palpable in the social strata.If there’s one thing going for Miami, it’s that free agents want to play there. Riley has created a sense of presence for the Heat. Come and be a superstar down on South Beach. It worked for Shaq. Worked for LeBron. Is still working for Chris Bosh and D-Wade.If you’re an athlete in any of the Big Four sports, this is probably the only professional sports team that’s a destination for free agents. People cheering you when you win; nobody around to watch you lose if you suck; and nude beaches on the off days. There are worse ways to kill a winter.
1. Miami DolphinsYes, the top Florida professional sports team has not been to the pinnacle since 1973, when it was busy winning the second of two consecutive Super Bowls. In the early 1970s, the Dolphins were the best team in the National Football League. They went undefeated in 1972 (the only team ever to do so) and then won Super Bowl VIII in 1973, before falling off. The franchise has gone to a pair of Super Bowls since, but has not been able to capture the Vince Lombardi trophy.In the last 15 years, things have really gone downhill. We are talking Jay Fiedler, Cleo Lemon, Daunte Culpepper, Chad Henne and Pat White downhill. It has to be one of the most depressing situations in all of sports. This is a once-proud franchise that has fallen on all kinds of hard times. It might be a long time before this team comes back and becomes something, considering it thought that paying Ndamukong Suh $118 million was a great idea.Perhaps the saddest part is seeing all the empty seats at Dolphins games. Fans have stopped caring, knowing the team is nowhere near the caliber it needs to be. Welcome to Florida sports.link
