That's right, LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME - IM THE CAPTAIN NOW!
It's past victory Monday, Branch is suspended, and Beatles is PISSED that BUF shat the bed against our ATL rivals, So i'm wasting no time gettin' us into Lion-skinnin' mode!
Now, I've only been back here a little while, but for those of you that don't remember me, Hello! I'm Beatles, and I'm a veteran member who's been here since way back in 2010. Back when Biggs and DH weren't the only controversial members. Back when we had a user named Michael, who would post so many articles on the bucs per day that we swore he was a damn robot. In those days, nonsensical phrases like "Youngry", "Race to 10" and "Josh Freeman is pretty good, I think we may have something here!" were on our minds weekly, and how fitting it is that we discuss the lions this week, because as it just so happens, it was in that very season that we faced Detroit with a playoff spot nearly in our grasp at the time. We would have one too, if not for a bogus PI! But that's ancient history. Let's talk a little LESS ancient: We still owe these powder blue bastards a beating for ending our playoff run in '24 -- "But Beatles!" I hear you type, "We beat them later in September that year!" Yes, and STILL the wound isn't healed! We must beat them AGAIN, and I for one will not be satisfied unless we do. Let's not lose sight of the fact that they're still ahead in our all time series 33-30-0! A meaningless number, or is it THREE meaningless numbers?! These are the questions we need to ask ourselves!
Okay, all jokes aside: We MUST win this game. The rest of the south has been quietly getting its collective shit together, and if we fall to 5-2, we'll be in prime position for those FFFFFFFFFFFUCKING RAT BIRDS to come waving their Penix all over the division in a few more games, and no one wants that!
So! Since you all seem to be doing those "Bucs win if" thingies every week, I'll start us off with mine! Here are my way-too-early "Bucs/Lions Win if" takes!
Bucs win if:
- We score more points than the Lions at the end of 4 quarters
This is a big one. It could be important. We'd be wise to try it.
- We wear kneecap guards while within Detroit city limits
They can't bite off what they can't chew!
- Tez Johnson does another flip and its even cooler
I think he should try three in a row. The Lions wouldn't possibly be able to handle that kind of power!
- Mike Evans returns
I mean, they can't double ALL our guys. Not anymore. Even if Mike is guarded most of the game, as long as he frees up Tez, Shep, or Cameron we should be okay
- Baker keeps being Baker
Need i say anymore? He's the best thing to happen to us in years that wasn't Brady-related. Keep letting him loose, run the offense, and don't get him hurt. Which leads me to...
- The Oline does it's job
We can't slack on their D. It'll pound us good if we don't have protection. Pause.
- The Refs aren't piss drunk like they've been for the past few weeks
HOW WAS IT NOT A FUMBLE, REFS?! HUH?! THE BALL WAS BOBBLED! THE BALL WAS FUCKI-
- We bounce a ball off a helmet again
It worked once!
- We don't turn the ball over
This is what cost us against the Fleagles. We should be 5-0 right now!
Lions win if:
- We score fewer points than the Lions at the end of 4 quarters
This is a big one. It could be important. We'd be wise not to try it.
- Barry Sanders comes out of retirement
It could happen, and we don't want that. He was scary!
- Dan Campbell eats our entire bench
He looked hungry against KC. The Chiefs keep Reid motivated this way too.
- Tez Johnson does another flip and its even cooler (and fails)
Last thing we need is another injury. PRACTICE THE LANDING, TEZ!
- We run too many plays that cause Todd Bowels to have that weird, confused looking smirk on the sideline
Listen man, when that face comes out that's the face of a man who's running too many programs at once in his internal OS. Usually when he gets like that he finds a way to reboot from safe mode after the half and get things working again, but if it's in the third quarter and he's made that face two or three times already, we could be in trouble.
- The refs remember 2010
"HEY, BOB! GET A LOAD OF THIS! I WAS JUST ON PEWTER REPORT THIS WEEK: YOU REMEMBER WHEN..."
That's it from me. Lets exploit Branch being out and get to 6-1! GO BUCS!