Some people are fans of the Atlanta Falcons. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Atlanta Falcons. This 2015 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group.Your team: The Atlanta Falcons, proud byproducts of the Georgia educational system…Your 2014 record: 6-10. But that was no ordinary 6-10, people. Remember when the Falcons played the Lions at 9:30am ET in London? And blew a 21-0 lead in the arguably the most poorly coached game in NFL history? I do! The Lions won that game after they missed a field goal, got hit with a delay of game penalty, and then nailed the winning field goal when Atlanta couldn’t decline the penalty. I’m gonna miss Mike Smith. HEY MIKE, THERE’S A BAT IN YOUR CAVE!Mike Smith was a (censored)ty coach, but at least his comedic mishaps gave you a reason to tune in. He’s gone now, replaced by…Your coach: Dan Quinn, who is yet another in the long line of promoted defensive coordinators who look like thumbs. Here is Mike Pettine…
And here is Gus Bradley…
And here is Quinn…
Thumb after thumb after thumb. These people all look like they all look like Dana White’s stunt doubles. Are you ready to be FIRED THE (censored) UP?! LET’S GET FIRED UP WITH SOME GODDAMN HOUSE OF PAIN, Y’ALL!
If there’s one thing I know Atlantans love, it’s House of Pain! South Boston is the original Dirty South!Quinn has tapped Kyle Shanahan as his offensive coordinator. Shanahan left Cleveland after Browns front office officials texted down to the sidelines to complain because they hated his play-calling so much. Before that, he ruined RG3’s career. PRETTY (censored)ING SOLID RESUME. Join us in Week 9 when Shanny personally takes a dump in Matt Ryan’s shoe.Your quarterback: Matt Ryan. But honestly, what does it (censored)ing matter? The Falcons had to play a tight end at tackle last season when they ran out of linemen. You could put Galactus under center and he’d get (censored)ing creamed.Ryan has gone 10-22 in the past two seasons, and while ascribing wins and losses solely to quarterback play is a fallacy, let’s do it anyway because (censored) MATT RYAN. Matt Ryan is the perfect milquetoast QB for a milquetoast team in a milquetoast stadium surrounded by milquetoast fans who wish they were at a Georgia Bulldogs game. I don’t want Matt Ryan to succeed. Joe Flacco already has a Super Bowl. I’ve had my fill of charisma-free quarterbacks winning stuff.Also: the Falcons have no depth at running back and Roddy White and Julio Jones are rarely healthy at the same time. No amount of Kris Kross can alleviate such issues.What’s new that sucks: Linebacker Prince Shembo got cut from the team this offseason when he was accused of murdering his girlfriend’s dog. Because people in Atlanta just cannot get enough of killing dogs. What is about this town that inspires wanton acts of animal homicide? GOD IT’S SO (censored)ING BORING HERE. LET’S GO THROW FIDO DOWN A RAVINE.Shembo, by the way, was the player at the center of Notre Dame’s Lizzy Seeberg scandal. “We were fine with you being accused of raping a woman and driving her to suicide. But a dog? NOW YOU’VE GONE TOO FAR, SIR.”In other news, the Falcons new stadium (sponsored by Equifax!) opens in 2017. The revised cost is now $1.4 billion (a second massive revised increase in as many years), with the team incurring a record $850 million in debt to help fund its construction. Hey, I wonder how the team plans on offsetting those costs!
That leaves the team with a $1 billion cost, some of which will be funded directly by personal seat licenses and other contractually obligated revenue.
“Welcome to Equifax Stadium. That’ll be $5,980 for a beer, please.”Keep in mind that the Falcons didn’t even NEED this stadium, because the Georgia Dome is barely two decades old. But because this is the NFL, and because Arthur Blank is a (censored)ing crook, you get $1.4 billion spent on Megatron’s butthole:
The roof really makes it. It already looked like an open asshole on display at Magic City, but now they’ve added a roof that actually simulates human peristalsis. All this in a city that has one working snowplow. Truly, we live in a blessed age.What has always sucked: No one will ever take the Falcons seriously. Ever. It’s cute when they make an NFC title game or a Super Bowl, but come on. No one is scared of the Falcons. No other team is like OH GOD IT’S THE FALCONS RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! They got docked a draft pick this offseason for piping in fake crowd noise, and that fake crowd noise didn’t even help because the team was 3-5 at home anyway. They are a perennially harmless team that will never achieve league-wide relevance. They’re like the Hawks, but football.I don’t think much of Atlanta gives a (censored) anyway. All crucial decisions made in the Atlanta area are made with the goal of avoiding traffic, and then failing to avoid that traffic. Atlanta is nothing but sprawl, with no real center, surrounded by Klansmen. The Braves just moved their stadium to Cobb County specifically so that poor people couldn’t access it. It is a painfully (censored)ed-up city, and always will be. I’ll let my friend Spencer Hall say more about his hometown:
“The city is the intestine through which all things must pass, and just as hot and prone to blockages.“Like a large breed dog, we’re prone to bloat. Every fifth building is a Panera, and the one next to that is a free-standing Chick-Fil-A. The governor lives in one.“We have a Confederate flag rally at Stone Mountain this Saturday. Oh and Arthur Blank’s buddy Bernie Marcus just snatches up whale sharks and puts them in a giant tank for his pleasure and charges the public for it.”
Got all that? Atlanta can suck it. And (censored) Chris Chandler.What might not suck: I assume Quinn knows how to, like, do defensive stuff. Which is good, since this was the worst defense in football last year. The team drafted heavily on that side of the ball so that they can stand firm when Ryan gets carted off the field on a dog sled.
